Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
