I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
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