You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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