I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
