Your face is a jimmy john
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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