U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
