I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
