I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
as a side note pls kill me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
