You made me cry and you don't even care
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
