Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
