Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize