i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
