Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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