mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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