can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
