threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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