so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize