I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My ass is underappreciated
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