i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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