I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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