She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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