I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
