I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
