This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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