Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Two words: nipple clamps
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