I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
