Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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