I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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