I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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