Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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