i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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