I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
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