1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
