Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
