My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Semen is not good for contacts.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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