god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
