i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
