No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
