Already got asked if we're dating
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
