you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
