Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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