i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
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