You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
