I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Randomize
