Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
