just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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