Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
