Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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