I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
