loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
