I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
