You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
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