Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
