she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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