I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
if i died would you start the facebook group?
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
