i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize