Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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