Grow some girl-balls and come out already
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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