i wish there were pregnant emoticons
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
