There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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