the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
