just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
