he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
