Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
