I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
