Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
